Back Porch Musings

I've always been the sort of person that is constantly seeking fun, excitement, and relaxation. Even when I'm smack in the middle of it, my mind is always pondering the next joyful event. Today, I was sitting on my patio job hunting when it occurred to me that I should take a book out and sun bathe by the pool. My heart instantly filled with excitement as I speculated how pleasant the warm sun would feel. I would lounge by the pool, enjoy my book, and think of nothing else in the world. Well, that all sounded peachy until about 5 mins in and all I could focus on was how hot I was and how cool my porch had been. I would relocate to the patio, sip some ice water and continue my endless search from there. So, I did. About 15 mins into that new venture, I was shifting and moving and completely unable to sit still. Movement is my vice. I had just purchased two chairs to laze in on my porch days before- certain that they would bring me stillness, mental productivity, and relaxation. No such luck. The present has always been a struggle for me. This sort of behavior is definitely a pattern- when I'm reading a nice book, I'm thinking of a lovely bath. In the tub, I'm contemplating taking a stroll with my dogs. On our walk, I can only imaging how great a nap would be, and fighting to fall asleep, I dream of making dinner and listening to nice music- the list goes on. 

Tonight as I began to wind down- I started to think about what I wish I were doing. I've always wanted to meditate, and I have been seriously considering trying for a few days. I opened my computer to look for a few promising techniques, when I stumbled upon a friend's blog entry that named a few of his favorite guitar solos. Forgetting my original purpose, I began rummaging through my itunes library seeking MY top favorite guitar solos- for no reason at all. I did this for about 30 mins until I was content with the list I had made. Why is that I am so easily distracted from my purpose and so discontent with my current state? I WANT to be still. I WANT to meditate. I WANT to enjoy my porch and the sun, but for some unknown reason my mind will not allow this. 

I scored three job interviews today, and I am celebrating with a bottle of red wine and an old friend. After creating my epic (imo of course) solo list, I was inspired to pick up my neglected acoustic guitar and play a few tunes. My guitar, which I love dearly, has been sitting in the corner of my apartment staring at me for three months now. Why is it that we so easily avoid and abandon the things we love without a second thought? My guitar, of course, is much better of a friend to me than I deserve. After a few rough warm ups, my chops came flooding back. I suppose 9 years of crap is not easily forgotten no matter how hard I try. Playing truly does bring me a sense of joy nothing can imitate. In all of my reflecting, I have come to realize that perhaps playing is the closest I will get to being still. Playing is my meditation, and I can live with that. 

-Sarah 

For those interested:

At Least That’s What You Said- Wilco (Jeff Tweedy, all)
Poetic- Oso Closo- (Chris McQueen, 2:25)
While My Guitar Gently Weeps -Beatles (Eric Clapton, 1:50)
Time- Pink Floyd (David Gilmour- 3:30 )
What it takes- Aerosmith (Joe Perry, 2:37)